Chris Howlett

The Impact of Relationships

“True personhood arises not from one’s individualistic isolation from others but from love and relationship with others, from communion.” — John Zizioulas

To be a person is to be in relationship with others. This is how our very existence is experienced, in relationship. René Descartes famously wrote, “I think, therefore I am.” However, this reflects a Western and Enlightenment bias that gave priority to the individual rather than community. A Biblical worldview is different. From the perspective of a creational way of thinking, we have to look to our Creator in order to understand our nature. When we do this we discover that at the base of our being, the most fundamental reality of our nature is found in relational personhood.

God, himself, is relational. Relationship is one of his defining attributes. God eternally exists as a communion of persons: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. To be created in his image means that we, too, are relational and we find our meaning and our very existence in relationship. Primary among our relationships is our relationship with God.

This is one of the main factors that contributes to why psychologists have discovered that a key to a happy and satisfying life is healthy relationships. How are your relationships? How is your relationship with God? You know, God loves you and wants the very best for you. The Father sent the Son to reveal his love to you and enable you, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to enter into a life-changing relationship with him. This is where happiness and wholeness is found.

The Defeat of Death

“Only after disaster can we be resurrected.” – Chuck Palahniuk

Death is a disaster. It is an intrusion, an interruption, the enemy. Resurrection happens on the heels of disaster. If you think about it, you can’t have resurrection without death, for resurrection is the undoing of death. If death doesn’t happen, there can be no resurrection.

Imagine Jesus’ disciples, huddled in the dark, fearing they were next, wondering where it all went wrong. Truly, disaster had befallen them and their hopes were nailed to the cross along with Jesus’ body. By the time Jesus was dead, they had all run away. Only Joseph of Arimathea and some of the women were left to care for the deceased, apparently, defeated Messiah.

Then Sunday morning came and the utterly unexpected happened. Jesus woke up, stood up, and walked out of the tomb with a resurrection body, one that was no longer susceptible to suffering and death because God, in Jesus, had overcome the enemy and undone the curse of Adam. Disaster not averted, but defeated.

In order for you and me to experience the power of resurrection, we must first experience death: the death of the false, sinful self. Jesus says that if we are to follow him we must deny the self and take up our cross. He says that unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies it cannot produce life, real life, resurrection life.

Resurrection is the pivot. It is the pivot point of all of human history and of our faith. What do you need to die to in order to truly live? Your self-made dreams, your rebellious spirit, your destructive egocentric decisions? Give it all to Jesus and let him give you resurrection life.

This past few weeks have brought a whole new depth of meaning to death and resurrection for me. I am so thankful for the prayers and support I have received, and continue to receive from many of you. The depth of the pain of the disaster of death has come home in a very real and personal way. At the same time, the power of the Resurrection has been manifested in how I have seen the love of Christ in so many, from the care of my children, who have lost their grandfather and yet have found the energy and love to comfort me, my wife who has prayed for me and held me and loved me, to so many of you and your loving embraces and comforting words. I am buoyed by the knowledge that my earthly father serves our Heavenly Father, and has been sold out to that service for nearly fifty years. He is in the loving embrace of our God and looking forward to the day when we will all be resurrected and received into the fullness of Christ’s Kingdom.

“‘Death is swallowed up in victory.’ ‘O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?’ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Cor. 15:54-57 (ESV)

Struggling with Insecurity?

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” – Steve Furtick

Few people put their struggles on display on Facebook or Twitter. It’s usually the happy things, the high times, the fun vacation photos. No one posts the pic of the kids running late for school or the house cleaning chores, the mundane every day kind of life that most of us experience. So, we face the danger of throwing a little self-pity party because our lives don’t seem to measure up.

But that would be a tragedy. Because it is in the seemingly mundane that life happens. Every day, one day at a time. It is in the routine, even boring and sometimes monotonous existence, that real life is enjoyed. Yes, enjoyed.

There are mornings that I really get tired of driving the kids to school, but then I think about the conversations we share. Some days it’s the most conversation we have. I wouldn’t trade that time for anything! It is in preparing meals, eating those meals, helping with the homework, planning the transportation for activities, crashing on the couch after an exhausting day next to your spouse, it is in the everyday that love is lived.

We may not enjoy a highlight reel every day, but we do live lives that we will one day look back on with humble thanks that God enabled us to spend them with people, people we love, and people who love us.

How Do I Forgive?

How do I forgive others? First, know that God is on your side. He reveals this again and again in Scripture and in our own stories, that whatever we surrender to him, he redeems. 

Forgiveness is a difficult and complicated subject. When we are betrayed it affects us on many levels, some of which (perhaps much of which) we are not aware at a conscious level. The key is releasing persons from responsibility and then turning to Christ, who has taken all sin to the cross, including the sin against us by others. So it is a constant turning to Christ, receiving his love and releasing his love for others in the form of forgiveness and also in other positive ways of showing love. 

There can be layers of pain on the inside and as those layers get exposed by various triggers, I simply remind myself and God, I've already released that so I will allow God to have it and ask for his healing of my pain.

The seminal story of forgiveness is Joseph. In Genesis 50, after Joseph's father dies, his brothers fear he will use his power (which was considerable) to punish them for their betrayal of him when he was a young man. He says to them: “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:19-20 (NIV)

It's an amazing story of forgiveness. In essence, he says that God is the one whose rightful place it is to judge and punish and that God had actually turned a terrible betrayal into a tremendous blessing. God is in the redemption business.

 

So, by faith we turn to God and continually turn over our hurts and our hearts to him, seeking our own forgiveness and healing for the hurt others have caused us. I can't imagine how many times over the years Joseph had to turn to God in order to deal with the hurt and pain his brothers inflicted on him. We are just seeing the end result of many, many years of faithfully turning to God every time he felt the sting of that betrayal.

So, forgiveness isn't easy. It's not flippant. It has far-reaching consequences, and when we over and over turn to God, he is always faithful, always merciful, and always forgiving of us for our sometimes sinful responses to the hurts in our lives.

Vacation Thoughts

“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it hacks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'” – Steven Wright

Vacations are an amazing luxury! Can you imagine a serf during the middle ages going to his landlord and saying, “I’ll be taking a couple of weeks off in July for a trip to the south of France.”?? It just didn’t happen. Or how about a daily wage-earner in a developing country, today? They can’t take vacations because there’s no way they could ever save up enough money and they don’t have credit cards. 

We’re blessed. Most of us have both the right kind of job and the means to take a vacation. Vacations can be very re-creative. Like the weekly Sabbath, a yearly or bi-yearly vacation can be a time to take a deep breath, relax, and make some positive memories with our families.

Vacation season is rapidly coming to a close. Before you know it the kids will be back in school and we’ll be back to our regular routines. As you prepare yourself for this busy season of the year, make sure you’re connecting with God. We’re never on vacation from his plan and purpose for our lives. Thank goodness he never takes a vacation!

The Scariest Monsters a Man Must Face

[originally shared as a devotion at a Christ Church Men's Breakfast]

There are some monsters every man must face. Some are scarier than others. These three are the scariest.

Fear of Failure

This is one of the worst monsters men face, the fear of failure. No one, and I mean no one, wants to be called a failure. We chase success, or at least our version of what we think success looks like, with every ounce of being. It’s drilled into our heads at a very early age that failure means we are less of a person. Losing is for losers and who wants to be a loser.

So, we pursue success at almost any cost: family, friendships, faith are often sacrificed so we can see ourselves as successful, or so we can convince others we are successful. Fear of failure is a powerful motivator.

I believe God wants us to be successful. He’s given us the tools for success. We’re gifted by him, he’s given us various talents and strengths. He wants us to use what he’s given us to be successful at impacting the world so we can leave a meaningful, lasting legacy. The problem is when we forget that the success to which we are called may be different than the success others pursue.

One of the greatest Bible promises is: “I can do all things through him who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13 (NRSV). I believe this is absolutely true, but let me help you understand what it means for you, personally, by paraphrasing it: “I can do all things that Christ ‘wants’ me to do. I can do all things that are aligned with his will and his will is awesome!” The most important key to a successful life is figuring out God created me for his purposes. When I line up my life with his plan and purpose and seek the leadership of the Holy Spirit, then nothing can stop me from succeeding.

Fear of Rejection

The next big monster we must face is the fear of rejection. It’s related to the fear of failure. If a man tells you he doesn’t care what others think about him, he is lying. He may have convinced himself this is true, but he’s lying to himself. From a very early age we are conditioned to seek out the approval of others. A certain facet of this is healthy because we are created to live in relationship with others and in order for relationships to function we need to experience the positive regard of others.

The problem comes when we are tempted to compromise our values in order to gain or maintain the favor of others, including ourselves. And when we compromise we ultimately lose the favor of God and ourselves so we construct a false reality, what Thomas Merton called a false self:

“Every one of us is shadowed by an illusory person: a false self. This is the man that I want myself to be but who cannot exist, because God does not know anything about him. And to be unknown by God is altogether too much privacy.” – Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

The good news is that God knows the real you, and he loves you anyway! He knows the layer of falsehoods you’ve allowed to build up around yourself to protect yourself from rejection, he sees the sin of self-centeredness that actually results from a pernicious self-loathing. God sees all our junk and he loves us in spite of it:

“In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.” 1 John 4:10 (ESV)

This is the Good News. God accepts me even before I make any change. It is his acceptance of me that allows me to step out of my false self and live out of my true self. Rejection is real, but it generally starts with self-rejection. Because God accepts me I can accept myself and live as the person he created me to be.

Temptation

This is a real fear that you need. Satan’s out to clobber you. He wants you to fail miserably. His desire is that succumb to his temptation and destroy your most cherished relationships. He throws temptations in your path day and night. He never takes a vacation.

One of the most serious temptations men face is the temptation to sin sexually. With the proliferation of pornography on the internet, a disturbing trend of persons re-connecting with old flames on social media, and the age-old problem of workplace affairs, sexual sin is lurking everywhere. Everyone knows men who have fallen into sexual immorality.

An important strategy in our struggle against sin is distinguishing between lust and mere natural healthy attractiveness. If we beat ourselves up for our normal, natural, and healthy experience of being attracted to persons of the fairer sex, we will be more likely to give in altogether, falling to the fallacy that sexual sin must be inevitable. R.C. Sproul said it like this:

“Lust is not noticing that a woman is sexually attractive. Lust is born when we turn a simple awareness into a preoccupied fantasy. When we initiate sexual thoughts into our minds and nurture them, we have passed from simple awareness into lust.” –R.C. Sproul

I like how the great reformer, Martin Luther, put it: “We cannot help it if birds fly over our heads. It is another thing if we invite them to build nests in our hair.”

If we are not careful, the healthy sense of attraction can easily be transformed into lust, especially in our sex-saturated media culture. When temptation arrives, we need to remember that God is on our side and he won’t allow us to be tempted beyond what we can handle with his help:

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 (ESV)

God is good and he is stronger than any monsters that come our way. If we take them on alone, they’ll get us. But if we learn to trust in one another and in God who delivers us, we can overcome and live the victorious life God intends!

SuperMom!

"All mothers are working mothers." - Unknown

What's for Mother's Day Dinner? The answer is usually a local restaurant. It's interesting that in so many homes, the food preparation is still mostly handled by Mom. Sure, Dad can find his way around a grill, but even then he depends on Mom to prepare the sides and set the table. So, if we're going to give Mom a break we head to a restaurant. The restaurant business loves this, but the situation says something about gender roles and the load of responsibilities that moms are asked to bear. 

What it says about gender roles is that while we as a culture have spent the last fifty years (or more) attempting to redefine gender roles, basically trying to abolish them, making husband's and wives roles identical in the home, or more equitable, or shared, but it hasn’t really succeeded. While a far greater percentage of mothers with children under age 18 who are working at paid jobs outside the home today than in the 1950s, a corresponding decrease of the load of domestic responsibilities on moms has not occurred. Moms are still mostly responsible for laundry, housework, food prep, clothing shopping, etc. Dads, generally, take care of the physical plant: mowing, weed eating, fixing things that break, etc. Hours spend on these responsibilities pale in comparison to the responsibilities of moms.

I am aware of dads who shoulder their part of the domestic burden, so I don't need the emails informing me of all the wonderful things you guys are doing. I am speaking in generalities, and generally speaking, moms, in addition to working full-time outside the home, continue to shoulder the majority of the work inside the home.

This is a big part of what's behind the SuperMom Syndrome that many young women struggle with in today's world. They want to work and be career women, they want to raise a family, and that entails working two full-time jobs. Mom is already a huge job, really far more than full-time. Adding a second full-time career on top of that already demanding responsibility is crushing. 

Solutions? Well, I think there might be a few options. Let me outline in the broadest terms what I see as a sensible, Christ-centered approach. First, if you don't have time for God in your life, you're far busier than God wants you to be. Second, if you are exhausted all the time, you are far busier than God wants you to be. I have a feeling that for many working moms, this is the constant reality. So, there's a desperate need to lighten the load. There are several approaches: 1. Dads need to pick up the pace in a major way, sharing the domestic role equally (by the way, kids can do housework, too). 2. Put the career on hold and be a stay-at-home mom. This might seem drastic, but drastic times call for drastic measures. This might mean downsizing the house or number of cars, and a host of other cost-cutting measures. We tend to want to live at a much higher standard of living than one income can support and call it "need." 3. Significantly lower housekeeping standards. The family unit might not like this, but if they’re not willing to jump on #1 and if they’re not willing to take the financial hit of #3, then the standards must come down. Sure, you need to maintain a healthy and sanitary environment, but the incessant pursuit for the elusive perfect home is going to have to wait. I haven't even broached the single-mom dilemma!

There's more to all of this. The main thing is that moms are frazzled. Our culture's insistence on the SuperMom Syndrome is not healthy for moms, dads, or kids. It certainly isn't doing anything for the Kingdom of God, which is the main thing life is supposed to all about. Remember Matt. 6:33?

Well, this eVotional is way too long. So be sure to be in worship this Sunday as I share the next message in the "You Can't Do It" series: "You Can't Be SuperMom." This is a message for the whole family!

Thriving Through Taxing Times

[Note: This is a devotional for men shared at the Christ Church Men’s Breakfast on Tax Day, April 17, 2012]

The first federal income tax was levied in 1861 in order to support the Civil War effort in the North. Initially, it was a tax only on the highest incomes. In 1862, it was overhauled, and they’ve been changing the tax code every year ever since. Keeping up with all the changes can be taxing, indeed.

Some other taxing experiences men go through today are $4.00 gasoline. When I started driving, gas was $1.21 a gallon. We are living in uncertain economic times. The real unemployment rate really isn’t getting better. Some young men whom I know through coaching at Dunbar who’ve graduated college have taken one to three years after graduation with marketable degrees from good schools to find gainful employment.

Men have a particularly difficult time in the home, today. Who are our role models for the roles men are expected to fulfill in today’s families where so many moms work just as many hours outside the home as dads? Our fathers didn’t face the same challenges as we do.

Talk about taxing! Families can be taxing. We’re overwhelmed as  a society with the busyness of pursuing that elusive dream of the well-rounded child. We must make sure that our kids are involved in everything so they can enjoy all the opportunities that could possibly come their way. Mom’s taxi service isn’t near enough to keep up with the demand.

Our families, jobs, the economy, taxes all conspire to create some pretty stressful, taxing times in which we live. Can we thrive in the midst of all the anxiety that is in and around us? I think we can if we look to the example of King David.

 

Psalm 3:1-2 O LORD, how many are my foes! Many are rising against me; many are saying to me, “There is no help for you in God.” Selah

When this Psalm was written, David endured amazingly stressful times. He was king of Israel. He had successfully united the two Jewish kingdoms and Israel was at its height of power and prominence. Then the coupe d’etat. Some of his closest allies and supporters deserted and conspired to kill him. To make matters worse, Absalom, his own son, led the way. How could this happen? Well, it turns out that the royal household was quite the dysfunctional family, and this coupe attempt was the outward manifestation of years of trouble.

So, David and some of his men fled the city, lest they be killed by the usurpers, and he finds himself in the wilderness, both literally and figuratively. In the depths of this depressing situation, David writes:

 

Ps. 3:3  But you, O LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, and the one who lifts up my head. 

In this Psalm lay five Steps to Thriving Through Taxing Times:

1. Trust God's Providential Care

What an amazing testimony to faith! David, in the middle of what must have been the absolute worst time of his life, when everything he’d strove to build was falling down around him, when even his own son was seeking his demise, he trusts God’s shield of loving care.

No matter what your circumstances might be saying to you right now, God cares and God is in control. You can trust God.

 

Ps. 3:4 I cry aloud to the LORD, and he answers me from his holy hill. Selah

1. Talk to God in Prayer

David cries out to God, trusting that he hears and answers prayer.  Guys, we’re action oriented. These first two steps don’t seem to be very active. Trust and Pray? We want to jump into the problem head on and fix it. But there are times when (a) The problem is unfixable by our own efforts, or (b) We actually make matters worse because we haven’t thought it through. God always has the Big Picture Perspective. When we find ourselves in a pickle we need to do like David, trust and pray.

 

Ps. 3:5  I lie down and sleep; I wake again, for the LORD sustains me.  

2. Take Rest

For some of you it just got worse. But I like to look at this verse as evidence of the sense of inner peace David experienced. Think about it. His world is falling apart, yet because of his trust that God cares for him and his knowledge that God answers his prayers, he is able to rest in the sustaining presence of God. How often have you been stressed to the point of sleeplessness, constantly rolling stressful thoughts around in your head? I’ve been there. Done that. But David teaches us by his example that you can relax and rest. And quite possibly this might point to the fact that rest is essential to our bodies, minds, and spirits when we enter into a taxing struggle.

Ps. 3:6-7a I am not afraid of ten thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around. Rise up, O LORD! Deliver me, O my God!

 4. Turn Toward God's Deliverance

As my trust grows, fear and anxiety subside and I begin to turn to God’s deliverance. In my experience and in the story of David, God almost always works in and through our actions. It’s not as if David hung out in a cave, doing nothing and just waiting for God to show up. No, he had to issue orders and engage the battle. But, all along, knowing and trusting that it is God who fights for us, it is God’s strength that sustains us, it is God’s providential care that carries us along the way and through life’s most difficult journeys. We to take action and turn our lives in the direction of God’s deliverance.

 

Ps. 3:7b-8 For you strike all my enemies on the cheek; you break the teeth of the wicked. Deliverance belongs to the LORD; may your blessing be on your people! Selah

 5. Tell of God's Glory

Deliverance belongs to the Lord. He knows God worked through his actions. God gave him understanding, gifts, abilities, strengths, and a group of friends to come alongside to aid him. David used everything God gave him, trusted in God’s help and was ultimately vindicated and returned to his rightful place as king. It wasn’t easy. There were casualties along the way. Sin’s destructive consequences were felt. But David’s cause, and the cause of the people of God, were upheld. David grew personally through this experience and he was thankful for God’s help, and so, he gave God the glory.

If we are careful to look and listen we will see God at work in our lives. Even in the most difficult of circumstances, even through taxing times, God is with us and always has our very best interest at heart. Sin, that of ours and others, causes all kinds of troubles, but God is ultimately in control, he always has the right perspective, and we can always trust in him.

 

Time

“Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters.” – Margaret Peters  

Time works wonders for us.  With the passage of times comes perspective and clarity.  We grow older and hopefully wiser.  However, there can be a cruel twist with time. 

Some of us only discover what is truly important with the passage of time, and, unfortunately, it  can be too late to do anything meaningful about it.  How many people discover that what they’ve worked so long and hard for was not worth the effort, while things they neglected were what really mattered?

So, time can work wonders, but it can also rob us of what is most precious: time.  Time to do what’s important.  Time to spend with people we love.  Time to live our God-given calling.  Time to make a real difference in a hurting world.

Paul instructs us: "Be careful then how you live, not as unwise people but as wise, making the most of the time, because the days are evil" (Ephesians 5:15-16 NRSV).

Don’t waste time on less-than-important tasks.  Make time for your family, your faith, your purpose.

 

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Happy Mother's Day... to My Mom

I posted two years ago and last year, thought it was worth re-posting, again!!

Mom... thanks!

 

Thanks for loving me, even when I was unloveable.

Thanks for raising me in the way I should go.

Thanks for taking me to church.

Thanks for showing me the meaning of grace.

Thanks for being a stay-at-home mom when we could have probably used the money from you working outside of the home. Having you home was worth it to me!

Thanks for teaching me what hard work means.

Thanks for encouraging me to be me.

Thanks for buying my artwork when I was about 10. I didn't become an artist, but it made me feel good, anyway.

Thanks for having a sense of humor.

Thanks for teaching me the value of an education.

Thanks for showing me what service to others is.

Thanks for loving my Dad and being committed to your marriage. That's made my marriage better!
Thanks for having my siblings. They're great! Even if Kenny and I used to fight like cats and dogs.
Thanks for attending all my soccer games when I was a kid. I mean... all of them! I know you probably weren't in love with soccer, but you showed your love for me.
Thanks for making Swiss Steak.
Thanks for reading to me.
Thanks for giving me the gift of life.
But most of all, thanks for giving me the gift of you!

I love you! Have a great Mother's Day!