Sunday, October 18, 2015, I shared the message: Honor Mom & Dad, the fifth in the series, Life Preservers: 10 Commandments for Life. This message was based on Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and mother so that your days may be long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”
In the Sunday morning message I did not address what to do in the case of abusive parents, but promised I would post on this blog some help and hope for those who have struggled with abuse. So, this is my follow-through on that promise.
I want to begin by saying that the Bible is not silent on the matter of child abuse. The Bible does not foresee a perfect situation where all parents want and love all their children. Child abuse is not a taboo topic in the church, although, unfortunately, it has been treated that way in the past. Two passages are particularly important:
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—this is the first commandment with a promise: ‘so that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.’ And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:1-4 (NRSV)
“Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is your acceptable duty in the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, or they may lose heart.” Colossians 3:20-21 (NRSV)
There is an assumption here that some parents will cross the line and act in abusive ways toward their children, and that this behavior is inexcusable. For some reason, and I think it is because these passages have been so misused for so long by persons who wish to “lord it over” their families, we have been under the false assumption that parents have an absolute authority over their children. However, the Biblical witness is clear that this is not true. There are certain behaviors the Bible labels as unacceptable. Children have a standing with God.
There were times, and in some places this is still true today, when parents were given free reign over their children because others considered it untoward to interfere. It was considered the parent’s right to treat their children any way they felt appropriate. This attitude presupposes that children are property of parents, which is not a Biblical view at all. Children, in the Bible, are seen as unique individuals worthy of dignity and respect. Jesus welcomed little children and warned those who would lead them astray (Mark 10:13-16; Matt. 18:6).
In the Ephesians and Colossians passages above, parents are instructed to not provoke their children. There are actually two different Greek words used here. One means do not “provoke, embitter, irritate” (Eph), the other means do not “anger or exasperate” (Col). To do so would be to use excessive discipline and make unreasonably harsh demands or to treat children in an arbitrary manner, forcing compliance simply to prove one’s authority. Condemnation of a child or any gross insensitivity to a child’s sensibilities that would break his or her spirit is proscribed.
If this issue is addressed in the Bible one must assume this behavior was occurring with great enough frequency to warrant the apostle’s attention. So, abuse is nothing new. Children are commanded to obey, but parents are equally commanded to treat children with dignity.
So, the main question I want to address here is, “How do I honor my parents if my parents are, or have been, abusive?” What type of abuse am I talking about? Any type. Physical, sexual, emotional, and neglect. Any abuse is too much abuse and makes it rather difficult for children to “honor” their parents in the way in which Exodus 20:12 teaches.
The first thing I want to say to children who have been abused is that I am so sorry this has happened to you. You did not deserve it. Period. There is nothing you could have done or not done to deserve to be abused by anyone, particularly your parents. No matter the circumstances surrounding your conception, you are a gift of God, created in his image and precious in his sight. He loves you so much that he sent Jesus to make a way for you to be in relationship with himself and he is infinitely concerned about your well-being. Unfortunately, some people are so broken that they perpetrate evil acts against those whom God has entrusted into their care. My prayer is for your healing, physically, spiritually, and emotionally, so that God can redeem even this most painful experience.
The second thing is that God has never abandoned you, even in the moment of your greatest pain. He has suffered along with you and for you. The greatest revelation about God’s nature is the revelation of the Suffering God, the God on the Cross. In Jesus, God identifies with all the suffering of humanity from beginning to end, and in this suffering, physical, emotional, and spiritual, he takes on all of our suffering. He does not minimize it or dismiss it, but absorbs it and redeems it through the power of the resurrection. So amazing is this experience of redemptive suffering that Paul wrote: “‘Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?’ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ” 1 Cor. 15:55-57 (NRSV). So, claim the victory of your healing and then trust Christ to work out the ramifications of healing in your life.
Now, to the original question: How you honor your parents if one or both were abusive? There is a bit of a clue in the passage from Ephesians 6:1: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord…” John Calvin, the great 16th century reformer declared that the “in the Lord” phrase implies that whatever instructions given by parents need to be consistent with Christian principles. Obviously abuse is not consistent with Christian principles. This is not a carte blanche, blanket license for parents. It is an admonishment to them to raise children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
There is a principle of honoring parents, however, even if they have been abusive. Honor them in the sense that you give them the respect that is due to parents. The respect due them is not based on their performance, but on their position. However, this respect must come within the appropriate personal boundaries. This means, for adult survivors of abuse, that they may not have much contact, if any, with abusive parents. For children who are still at home this means you need to seek out the help of a responsible adult, not in your family, who can report the abuse and get the help you need. You can respect and honor your parents, but do it from afar if they cannot or will not honor your personhood, the fact that you are a unique creation, a person who embodies the image of God. Abuse is violence against God, himself.
I once counseled a woman whose mother died without ever, not one time, telling her daughter that she loved her. The daughter was abused physically, sexually, and emotionally. Yet, she was struggling with the lack of acceptance from this abusive mother even after her mother had died. God was able to bring a measure of healing as she reflected on the amazingly painful childhood her own mother had experienced and as she trusted in Christ for the love she never received from her mother. It was a long process. There were many tears and it took a lot of work on her part. But, God is faithful, and she was able to come to a point of honoring the memory of her mother, forgive her mother, and seek healing in other relationships in her life.
There are different types of abuse. Some leave physical marks, all leave emotional pain. If you are or have been the victim of abuse, let me encourage you to seek the help of a professional Christian counselor who has experience moving people forward in the healing process and setting up and maintaining appropriate boundaries. If, again, you are in an abusive situation right now, please seek out a school counselor, teacher, pastor, someone who can help you find a safe place and get the help you need.
God designed the family primarily to propagate the faith. The faith is always one generation away from dying out. Parents have the huge responsibility of helping their children experience the love of Christ. Abuse has the potential to destroy this process and make it very difficult for their children to open up to receive the love of God. If their primary spiritual examples abuse them, the damage can last a lifetime. It does not have to, though. God is a God who heals and redeems. Every day people overcome the pain of an abusive past and are able to move forward in healing and wholeness by the gracious intervention of the God who suffers when we suffer.
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